NCLB Outrages

Child, 11, Left Behind: Sign That President's 'No Child Left Behind' Law May Not Be Working, Critics Say
This is one of Borowitz's lamer offerings.
Breaking News

by Andy Borowitz

In what critics are calling a sign that President Bush's "No Child Left Behind" law is not delivering on its promise, an eleven-year-old child in Toledo, Ohio was left behind today.

On a day when millions of American children returned to school, the news that a child had been left behind came at a most inopportune moment for President Bush, who has repeatedly vowed that his educational policy would leave no child behind.

Zack Steidel, the Toledo boy who was left behind, seemed to be taking his newsworthy status in stride today.

"I didn't want to go to school anyway," said Mr. Steidel. "This way I can just stay at home and play Xbox, which totally rocks."

At the White House, spokesman Tony Snow tried to downplay the importance of young Mr. Steidel having been left behind.

"At this point it is way too early to say that Zack being left behind means that 'No Child Left Behind' does not work," Mr. Snow said. "He may have just missed the school bus."

But education expert Davis Logsdon says that "No Child Left Behind," which requires that students pass standardized tests in order to advance to the next grade, may be flawed at its core: "If that law had been around when President Bush was in school, he would still be in seventh grade."

Elsewhere, Medicare chief Mark McClellan resigned today, saying that he wanted to devote the rest of his life to trying to understand the new Medicare rules.

— Andy Borowitz
Borowitz Report
2006-09-05

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