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New Ring Around Uranus Linked to Missing Tests

Under the Beltway, D.C., October 20, 2003; updated August 22, 2006

The National Science Foundation has confirmed that the newly-discovered ring around Uranus may be made up of high-stakes tests reported missing from 43 states. These tests had been sent to the U. S. Department of Education as part of NCLB verification. NSF declined to comment on the persistent rumor that President Bush's copy of Camus' The Stranger, 118 pairs of Condoleezza Rice's shoes, and Reid Lyon are also in the ring.

Mike Brown, an astronomer at the California Institute of Technology and discoverer of Xena, says that although more than 40 other objects fit the new planet criteria, Uranus's new ring is not one of them.

Dennis Overbye, science reporter for the New York Times, cautions that folk shouldn't fall into a trap, "trying too hard to come up with a scientific answer to a problem that is not scientific."

Well, right, it's not as though these astronomers are trying to teach reading. Now THAT has to be scientific!

The FBI has declined an interview, but an unidentified source confirmed that agents have interviewed over 687 high-level officials in the U. S. Department of Education, 219 West Wing Aides, 83 members of the Business Roundtable, 43 governors, and Margaret Spellings' refuse collector.

Commenting under the cloak of anonymity, one staffer at the Department of Education cautioned, "Don't rule out an El Quida connection."

In an effort to show Standaristo solidarity, security agencies all over the world are quietly running NCLB code through their data banks and computer hard drives as the test scandal continues to gather steam. Agents asked interviewees not to disclose the nature of the interviews, so as not to disclose the government's strategy.

Both Secretary Spellings and Condoleezza Rice declined to comment on the probe.

Chester Finn, President of the Thomas B. Fordham Foundation, said, "This is what happens when the nation's teachers lack the basic skills to address an envelope properly."

— Susan Ohanian
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