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The Eggplant

 

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Season's Greetings

Please accept, with no obligation, implied or plain-spoken, from the party heretofore known as "the wisher," best wishes, joy, and happiness pursuant to a celebration of a grassroots, low-fat, eco-friendly, socially responsible winter solstice. Acceptance of said wishes are in accordance with Geneva Conventions setting standards for international law for humanitarian concerns.

No criminal or civil penalties accompany this offering. Procedures under the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978, including all updates, shall be the exclusive means by which electronic transmission, as defined in section 101 of such Act, and the interception of domestic wire, oral, and electronic communications will be observed.*

These wishes are not void where prohibited by the U. S. Department of Education, Regulation 666,666,666 CQM Parts 300, 301 and 304.

None of this text is a provision of PUBLIC LAW 107-110, enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled, cited as the "No Child Left Behind Act." The terms joy, happiness, and good wishes do not appear in this Act.

Apply externally or internally. Exceed the recommended dose whenever you feel like it.

Appropriate for all ages.

Some assembly required but no batteries necessary.

Not made in China.

These wishes contain no lead, peanuts, saturated fatty acids, triglycerides, FD&C Red No. 3, cockroach calyx, dust mite excretion, or nonparasitic antigens capable of stimulating a type-I hypersensitivity reaction in atopic individuals

Free of any archetypes, acts, artwork, events, or natural phenomena associated with Margaret Spellings, Ted Kennedy, Eli Broad, Bill Gates, or Oprah.

All attempts have been made to increase transparency and accountability, following the guidelines of the National Advisory Committee on Wish Quality, Integrity, and Rigor.

Safe to use while operating motor vehicle or heavy equipment.

Not subject to FCC approval.

No animals were harmed while making these wishes.

The transmission of these wishes involves no violent acts or acts dangerous to human life that are a violation of the criminal laws of the United States or of any State, or that would be a criminal violation if committed within the jurisdiction of the United States or any State. Nor is there any attempt to intimidate or coerce a civilian population, to influence the policy of a government by intimidation or coercion, or affect the conduct of a government by assassination or kidnapping.

Reproduction, transfer, distribution or storage of the contents, in whole or in part, of these wishes is expressly encouraged.



* They're making a list and checking it twice, gonna find out who's naughty and nice. They see you when you are sleeping. They know when you're awake. You are under federal surveillance.

— Susan Ohanian
The Eggplant

2007-12-19


INDEX OF THE EGGPLANT


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