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DIBELS In the Mornin'
Another item in the news you will read nowhere else.

by Susan Ohanian

Washington--In response to flagging enthusiasm for NCLB and rising prices at the gas pump, the U. S. Department of Education is planning a dramatic new TV campaign to kick off the new school year in September. "We are throwing all our energy into helping teachers reach the modest goal of increasing the daily DIBELS output by 6,896 percent," announced Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings."We want teachers to know we are here to help."

In her effort to make DIBELS a household word, Spellings is pulling out all the stops. The Department of Education has hired the Cirque du Soleil to produce a DIBELS themed television show, DIBELS Celebrity Countdown, with the theme jingle, "DIBELS in the Mornin'" performed by a rotating cast of Hot 100 performers. "We'll stick with the Hot 14," explained Spellings. "We would never shortchange children."

Joan Rivers and Sir Elton John have agreed to be the first contestants in a dramatic contest to find out which celebrity can read the most DIBELS nonsense words in a minute.

yiz wan zoc ful mik zum nuf

kun ruv fod vep ij op juj sug

zuz ov vit wam buk lef luk

tev lof kom juf tam nol rez

kec pum poz num ol kav riv

kic kis kem vak tek ut riz

aj vej yil jev neg som jup

The Department is keeping the names of other celebrity contestants under wraps and refused to acknowledge Washington gossip about a late October DIBELS faceoff between John McCain and Barack Obama.

"There's nothing like a quick spin through a scientifically proven DIBELS list to jump-start the student's day," Joan Rivers gushes in one of the new "DIBELS in the Mornin'" commercials which promote the show.

"The more the better!" chimes in Sir Elton. "Get some DIBELS in ya!"

— Susan Ohanian
The Eggplant



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