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Consonants in Action: Working for America's position in the Global Economy

Another item in the series of breaking news stories you will read nowhere else.


Washington, D. C.: 3:14 a.m.

Procsidtz Pnensldvz Plzokntskz, recently appointed Consonants In Action (CIA) bureau chief, testified before a congressional committee on the CIA's commitment to stemming the consonant crisis which is destroying the nation's youth.

"We're going to track down consonant abusers who prey on our 8-year-olds," vowed Procsidtz Pnensldvz Plzokntskz, known to his family as "Profszlcz."

Procsidtz Pnensldvz Plzokntskz warned that the nation must not remain complacent in face of the ongoing consonant war. He pointed to key findings.

Key Findings

* Overall, local consonant abuses among seniors have been declining over the past few years. However, juvenile consonant abuses have been increasing. Rising juvenile consonant abuses are a particularly serious cause for concern.

* Rural consonant abuses are on the rise among youth and adults, replicating the pattern in urban areas..

* Between 2005 and 2007, Sheriff's Departments across the nation report nearly double the amount of consonant abuse witnessed in public places.

Rising consonant abuse raises a red flag for national leaders and residents. National statistics indicate consonant abuse is emerging in cities throughout the country and increasingly endangering youth. The Office of National Consonants in Action attributes increasing rates of youth consonant abuse to the fact that consonants cannot be smoked or injected, making them appear less dangerous to youth.

— News Release
Consonants in Action



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