in the collection
Book Ownership Explained
Another in the series of
news
items you will read nowhere else.
Socialism
You have 2 books.
You give one to your neighbor.
Communism
You have 2 books.
The State takes both and sends you to listen
to
a public reading.
Nazism
You have 2 books.
The State takes both and shoots you.
Global Economy Corporatism
You have two books.
Both were made in China and available for
purchase at Wal-Mart.
Venture Capitalism Ownership
You have two books.
You sell three of them to your publicly
listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general
offer so that you get all four books back, with
a tax exemption for five books. Publishing
rights of the six books are transferred via an
intermediary to a Cayman Island Company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
sells the rights to all seven books back to
your listed company. The annual report says the
company owns eight books, with an option on one
more. You sell one book to buy a new president
of the United States, leaving you with nine
books.
French Ownership
You have two books.
You go on strike, organize a demonstration,
shutting down public transportation and
blocking the roads, because you want three
books.
Japanese Ownership
You have two books.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the
size of an ordinary book and contain one
hundred times the print.
Italian Ownership
You have two books, but you don't know where
they are.
You decide to have lunch.
Swiss Ownership
You have 5000 books, none of which are yours.
You charge rent to store them and promise never
to reveal who owns them.
Chinese Ownership
You have no books
You will be privileged to work in a
government factory to produce two billion books
to sell to Wal-Mart.
British Ownership
You have two books
You are extremely proud that they are both by
British authors.
Finnish Ownership
You have two books
They are adult books because children should
be outside playing instead of worrying about
acquiring reading skills.
Australian Ownership
You have two books.
You'd rather have two beers.
German Ownership
You have two books.
You'd rather have two cars.
Catholic Ownership
You will have two books once the Church
clears them, according to the canon of Holy
Scripture, the First Lateran Council of 1123, the
Council of Trent, and the Officiorum ac Munerom,
of any pernicious threat to the purity of morals
(Censura Librorum).
Baptist Ownership
You had two books.
They got water-logged during full immersion.
Zen Ownership
Concerning the ownership of books, you must
once and for all let go your hold and fall over
the precipice.
IRAQI Ownership
You had two ancient, holy books.
Americans insisted they were weapons of mass
destruction, bombed the hell out of you, and
invaded your country, leaving you with no
books.
NEA/AFT Ownership
You have signed away your rights to book
ownership in order that the leaders you support
with your dues can demonstrate their allegiance
to and continue to sit at the table with the new
Democratic elite, which is a whole
lot like the old Democratic elite.
Republican Ownership
Ownership of two books is the reward to
deserving people who work hard.
Democrat Ownership
People who don't have two books can sign up
for book deprivation workshops.
U. S. Congress Bipartisan Ownership
Committee
You have 2 books.
The State takes both, burns one, files the
other under Top Security, and hires a study
team to inform the public on the literacy
crisis.
The U. S. Department of Education
Ownership
You can't have any books until you pass the
DIBELS tests.
— Susan Ohanian
Eggplant
2008-09-06
INDEX OF THE EGGPLANT
