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Microsoft announces new software to track the Three R's of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation: Relevance, Rigor, Relationships

Another in the series of
news you will read nowhere else.

REDMOND, Wash. Microsoft School Products(TM)
announce today the product lineup of its
upcoming Windows School operating system.
Scheduled for release early next year, the
Rigor Regulator (TM) software will bring needed
uniformity to teacher delivery of skills,
offering school CEOs all they need to manage
teachers, track students, automate
curriculum, make learning transparent, and cure
plantar warts.

Combining a comprehensive set of assessment
tools with an easy-to-use interface, the Rigor
Regulator(TM) software, capitalizes on cookies'
ability to track how classroom lavatory habits to
computer performance and standardized test
scores. Over time, the Regulator(TM) can inform
teachers of the seven indicators that tie
students to Lucky Charms. And pinpoint teacher
error in presenting strategies for mastering long
division and apostrophies. By providing new ways
to organize files, Microsoft Rigor Regulator (TM)
helps school CEOs quickly find exactly whom to
blame more quickly.

U.S. software mogul Charles Simonyi, who
oversaw the creation of Microsoft's flagship
office applications, and who recently shelled
out $25 million to travel on board the Russian
Soyuz TMA-10 spaceship, is not affiliated with
this project. The fact that the hot rumor is
that Simonyi took along a contraband copy of
"Ride of the Valkyries" and that Martha
Stewart was among those seeing him off at
Tstentr Upravlenia Poletov in Baikonur, is
beside the point but hey, everybody likes
meaningless trivia. And we just want to point out
what these software moguls do. Simonyi
travels in space. Bill Gates changes lightbulbs
in his 40,000-square-foot bungalow. And messes
up schools.

Chiang Siang Wu, holder of the Moo Shu chair
at the University of Oregon, author of the
"Calculus of Variations of the Bifurcation Theory
of Rigor," applauded the breakthrough,
"These skills will aid us in product
fulfillment when Microsoft outsources more

"Here's further evidence that the world is
flat," said Pulitzer prize winning corporate
suck-up at the New York Times Thomas

Asked to describe the product, Bill Gates
intoned, "Data, data, data."

— staff
The Eggplant



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