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Obama Announces NTLB, NPLB, and NILB: Dentists, Doctors, and Policemen to be Held Accountable

Another item in the news you
will read nowhere else.

by Stephen Neat

Last week, President Obama announced three new
proposed federal programs aimed at addressing
the issues of America�s failing dentist
offices, America�s failing hospitals, and
America�s failing police departments. The
programs would be enacted under three
Congressional acts: No-Tooth-Left-Behind(NTLB),
No-Patient-Left-Behind (NPLB), and No-
Investigation-Left-Behind (NILB).

Under NTLB dentists� offices that reduce the
rate of cavities in their patients would
receive federal tax breaks. Some dentists argue
that other factors besides the quality of their
care have a role in the health of patients�
teeth and gums. Proponents of the proposed law
disagree. They claim, without any accurate
evidence, that the United States is falling
dangerously behind other developed nations in
oral health, and that the situation must be

NPLB would assess the �achievement� of
hospitals based on the health of their
patients. This would be measured by a battery
of tests administered between April 22 and May
9 of each year. Some doctors argue that
improving patients� health is an ongoing
process and cannot be assessed by one group of
tests, given once a year. These objections are
being ignored in the mainstream media, however,
as they cannot be accurately or engagingly
summarized in ninety seconds or less.

The measure aimed at improving the
performance of law enforcement, NILB, calls for
100% of all investigations to be solved by
2012. If this does not happen, police
departments would be required to contract much
of their services out to private security
companies. Police departments that do not turn
themselves around in five years would be closed
and reconstituted as charter police
departments. �Some people have argued that NILB
is unrealistic,� said Senator Edward Kennedy
(D-MA), a co-sponsor of the legislation, �But I
say: how can we leave one crime unsolved. It�s
for the children!�

The response to the proposed legislation
has been immediate. Across the nation doctors
have put down their stethoscopes, police
officers have but down their guns, and dentists
have put down their � their�those little pointy
things dentists use. These professionals have
taken to the streets to protest the proposed
legislation. �Do they really believe that we�re
going to take this sitting down,� said one
protesting dentist, �Do they think that we�re
going to let them tear our professions apart
while we carry on gamely with our work? Who do
they think we are? Teachers!?�

— Stephen Neat



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