in the collection
All You Wanted to Know About Standardistos But Were Afraid to Ask Your favorite book is Nation at Risk.
You think E. D. Hirsch's Cultural Literacy: What Every American Needs to Know would make a great mini-series.
You name your dog Cut-Score.
You name your first child Frederick Winslow.
You think "getting back to one's roots" means retaking the SATs every five years.
You think The Stepford Wives is a movie about a community that embraced Standards.
For a Christmas present, you ask for your own high speed test scoring machine.
When Airport Security asks to see your ID, you pull out your SAT scores.
You think Starbucks is a student incentive system.
Your favorite recipe begins, "Take a gross of No. 2 pencils. . . ."
You own a time share at Education Testing Service.
You think the U. S. Department of Education should be renamed The U. S. Bureau of Student Weights and Measures.
You organized a Neighborhood Watch for supply chain planning and implementation tools for local public schools crisis events.
You are certified to lead a Michelle Rhee Critical Incident Command and Disaster Recovery System workshop(patent pending) funded by the Broad Foundation.
When people talk about the "Big Easy," you think they're referring to the Mississippi state test.
You believe a happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for a successful life.
You're not pro-life or pro-choice; you're pro-testing.
You've appeared on John Merrow's Learning Matters more than twice.
You head the National Alliance for Rigor Rendition
You're the official Congressional lobbyist for celebration of National Bubble Kid Appreciation Month (To replace California Dried Prune Digestive Month).
You never say, "There's no right answer."
You never say, "Honey, I think Johnny's been tested enough!"
Your high school class voted you most likely to make 3rd graders cry.
The Romantic Side
How Many Teachers Does It Take to Change a Standardisto?
Nobody knows. It's never been done.
You might be a Standardisto if. .
You might be a Standardisto if:
Your dating service matches you up with a test corrector.
You think "showing a girl a good time" means letting her take a peek at the questions on the high-stakes graduation tests.
Your prenuptial agreement specifies minimum test scores.
You registered for wedding gifts at Kaplan, Inc.
You exchanged vows in the basement archives of discarded test questions at a CTB/McGraw Hill warehouse in Peoria.
You requested the Honeymoon Suite at Harcourt Assessment.
You and your spouse honeymooned at the Standardised Test Incident First Responders Bootcamp: DOE 380, 652, and 972 Levels.
You leave space in your wedding album for retest results.
Standardisto Favorite Adages
A test in time saves nine
Kill not the test prep that lays the golden test score.
Look after the test prep and the state test scores will look after themselves.
The road to NCLB proficiency is paved with test prep.
Standardized test results speak louder than words.
All work and no play make Jack ready to take the high stakes test.
Test prep every day keeps NCLB school reconstitution away.
Standards are the mother of preventing teacher invention.
One good standard deserves another.
Starve a student, feed a Standard.
Seize the Standard.
The proof of the Standard is in the student test score.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but Standards will never hurt me.
At the Standardisto's house, frivolity looks in but dares not enter.
For want of a standard, the test was lost; for want of the test, the school was lost; and for want of a school, the nation was lost.
It's the Standards that will turn all your lead into gold.
Competency is in the eye of the the Broad Foundation, the Gates Foundation, the Center for American Progress and New York Times Editorial.
Standards maketh the school.
Read a child a story and you amuse him for a moment; surround him with Standards and you empower him for a lifetime.
He who hesitates over Standards is lost.
Hell hath no fury like a Standard scorned.
If you can't stand the Standards, get out of the classroom.
Don't count your Standards until they are writ on every classroom wall.
Half a Standard is better than none.
Don't look a gift Standard in the mouth.
Good standards make good students.
Even a broken standard is right twice a day.
Standards will move mountains.
Do standards or die.
All roads lead to a National Test.
Adages Rejected by Standardistos
It is a historical inevitability. Cast off the dictatorship of Standardisto grave diggers. Teachers of all lands unite.
Show me a Standardisto and I'll show you a bloodsucker.
To boldly go where no Standard has gone before.
--Captain James T. Kirk
The fact that you are at all concerned with Standards reveals your underlying insecurity as a regular guy and your dreams of having sex with 12-year-olds.
Standards are unsafe at any speed.
What we have to remember is that what we observe is not a Standard in itself but a Standard exposed to our method of questioning.
All happy Standardistos resemble each other; each unhappy child is unhappy in his own way.
INDEX OF THE EGGPLANT