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DOE Issues New Report with Introduction by Thomas Friedman

Another report on news you will read nowhere else.

Washington, DC--In a move that teachers and parents predict will immediately impact the U. S. economy positively, Arne Duncan has resigned his office as U. S. Secretary of Education. "Fame is fleeting," said Duncan in a press conference held at the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame in Springfield, Massachusetts. "So is shame. I figure it's good to get out of government while I'm at the top."

As his final act, Secretary Duncan released a report Extending Class Time of Tomorrow's Workers in the Global Economy. "Even the 24 hours of possible class time offered by our current plane of existence is not enough to prepare our children to be competitive workers," warned Duncan.

The study, based on Fourth Dimension research provided by the Thomas B. Fordham Foundation, Education Trust, the Manhattan Institute, and the American Federation of Teachers, was funded by the Eli and Edythe Broad (rhymes with "Toad") Foundation.

Offering a discount on his $50,000 speaking fee, New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman, who wrote the introduction to the report, accompanied Duncan to Springfield. He mused, "In my repeat visit to the first tee at the KGA Golf Club in downtown Bangalore, in southern India, with the Pizza Hut billboard outside, I realized our schools can't afford to concern themselves with the New World or the Old World. Our schools must think about the Next World! The Fourth Dimension!!"

In his introduction to the report, Friedman writes, "Even the 24 hours of possible class time offered by our current plane of existence is not enough to prepare our children to be competitive workers! We face a national emergency in educating tomorrow's future labor force in this new, innovative, flat-earth Fourth Dimension." Friedman continues, "China's already doing this! India too! The next six months will prove critical in determining the outcome for your children and my children. Our children! The Fourth Dimension offers a new milestone in human progress and a great opportunity for the world!"

Friedman concludes his introduction with this advice: "The market and the Clock both hit the wall here in 2008/2009. We need growth, we need ways to raise people's standards, and classrooms in the Fourth Dimension are the way to do it!"

Duncan and Friedman were accompanied by Duncan's recent nominee for Deputy Secretary, Anthony Wilder Miller, billed as a boffo General Manager and Strategist for top companies around the world. Miller seems poised to administer the Fourth Dimmension effort. Most recently, he served as Director of Silver Lake, a leading private investment firm with over $15 Billion in capital.

Asked how he feels about spearheading this new effort, Miller said, "I think everything is in place to cause a shitful of trouble."

NEA spokesman Joel Packer, whose blog declares Joel Packer has all the answers, said the NEA is "cautiously optimistic" about this new effort. "What we need to be sure of is that we have a seat at the table," said Packer.

— staff
The Eggplant

2009-04-29


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