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Duncan to Offer Chevy Malibus to Teachers Who Raise Standardized Test Scores

Reminder: This is news you will read nowhere else. With reason.

Washington, D. C.--U. S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan today announced that more than $316 million is now available to award Chevy Malibus to those Guam teachers who raise kindergartners DIBELS scores. This award is offered under the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act (ARRA) of 2009. This car award will lay the foundation for a generation of education reform and help clear the used car lots to make room for the 2010 models. Today's funding is being made available per Guam's successful completion of Part 14-H of the State and Territory Stabilization Application, which was made available on April 1st.

In order to establish eligibility for today's funds, the Guam Business Roundtable has joined hands with the Governor and his team to collect, publish, analyze and act on basic information regarding the quality of classroom teachers, annual student improvements, college readiness, the effectiveness of state standards and assessments, progress on removing charter caps and interventions in turning around underperforming schools. Teacher recipients will be asked to promise to "drive green" by keeping the speed in their new Chevys under 60 mph.

A Duncan aide revealed that with lots of Chevy Malibus available, other teachers can look forward to similar bonuses. "We pledge to reward teachers who work hard and get those test scores up!"

Winning teachers and their classes received T-shirts with the slogan Chevys and test scores: Building tomorrow's workforce for the global economy.

Washington insiders reveal that the Duncan team is about to reveal another merit pay program: In the Bigger and Better Program, the kindergarten teacher whose class shows the highest DIBELS scores in the nation will receive a Hummer.

— Susan Ohanian
The Eggplant



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