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Show and Tell Forbidden under New Race to the Top Rules

Although satire reflects reality, one part of this piece is absolutely true. The gentle reader can figure out which part that is.

Washington--In an appearance on The Glenn Beck Program, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan unveiled a little-noticed Race to The Top provision. No more Show and Tell.

Duncan explained, "We're educating students for the global economy here. I want the American taxpayer to feel confident that no school child is involved in any activities that don't involve scores. It's never too early for a student to know that the real world involves winners and losers."

Duncan continued, "Face it: Mr. Rogers is dead. It's time that states get real. If they want a piece of that $5 billion of Race to the Top funds, then they'd better be sure ALL students get in that race. I visited a wonderful charter school last week that believes in rigor. Kindergartners were reading Milton and writing verse in anapestic tetrameter."

Duncan explained that Show and Tell does not fit in with making progress toward rigorous college- and career-ready standards and high-quality assessments for all students, including English language learners and students with disabilities. "The federal government is out of the business of offering handouts to schools that don't demand rigor," he emphasized.

Glenn Beck asked, "What other time wasters are government school teachers filling school days with?"

Duncan replied, "The past is past. Let's look to the future where children will learn that in a global economy the must valuable skill you can sell is your knowledge and teachers will heed President Obama's words that 'countries that out-teach us today will out-compete us tomorrow.'"

Beck asked, "What about Obama's Socialist leanings?"

Duncan laughed. "Listen, my basketball buddy believes competition must be at the core of a child's education. To get part of the $5 billion, states are gonna march to the Capitalist drumbeat. Show us those data warehouses. If states want the money, they'd better track students every minute of every day. Show us those numbers."

When asked if the Glenn Beck Program plans to change its tagline to the Fusion of Entertainment and Enlightenment and Education, the program manager did not reply.

Secretary Duncan is preparing for an appearance on the Maury show, a special edition featuring DNA testing of the offspring of ghosts, vampires, demons, and staff of the US Department of Education.

Sidwell Friends, the private school attended by the Obama children, did not return a call asking for information about Show and Tell and data warehousing at the school. The school website states their core philosophy: Sidwell Friends Lower School is dedicated to educating the mind, body, and spirit of each child with special emphasis on the Quaker principles of dignity, self-worth, and reverence for life. . . . We believe in the Inner Light in every individual and hope to nurture well-rounded, curious, self-respecting, and friendly children.

Such nurturing is pricey: Lower School tuition: $29,842
Upper School tuition: $30,842
Plus parent association fee and textbooks

— Susan Ohanian



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