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EIEIO Commends U. S. Department of Education

Washington, D. C. Sept. 21--Accompanied by U. S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan, a spokesperson for the Education Institutions Emissions Impact Organization (EIEIO) praised the US Department of Education today for enacting a landmark rule that will dramatically reduce toxic emissions from members of the department.

The rule requires immediate retrofitting of stale, old press releases. The retrofits are considered of extreme importance to DOE staff as well as members of the press, who are often trapped in a closed area filled with toxic emissions. The spokesperson for EIEIO acknowledged that members of the media have enough trouble understanding education issues without this added burden.

The new rule was shaped in part by a groundbreaking report showing air in the office of the U. S. Secretary of Education is as much as 183 per cent more contaminated than outside air.

Secretary Duncan noted that now he has signed off on the rule, office air quality, with the help of press release retrofits, will be improved. The new policy will require that boilerplate phrases in all press releases be retired after 163 repetitions. A data bank of brand new phrases is being prepared by special grants from the Broad Foundation and the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation.

Secretary Duncan promised to lead the way by purging "Laser-like" from his prepared remarks, as in "I try to stay with a laser like focus on improving what's going on for our nation's children."

Asked about his oft-repeated phrase "We have to stop lying to children," Duncan stood firm, noting that since records show he's only used it 148 times, the phrase still has life.

Asked if the new rule means he will retire "the India/China/Singapore/Korea threat to the nation's schoolchildren," Duncan said, "Absolutely not! A nation that does not benchmark its standards against the highest international standards is crippling our children in the competition for jobs."

In response to grumbling in the audience, Duncan pointed out that in its press release retrofits, the DOE will follow FDA policy: "If a substance does not cause permanent, severe harm, it may appropriately be considered GRAS--Generally Recognized as Safe."

Substance reporter George Schmidt asked, "Does this mean we can call out no-GRAS at press conferences?

Duncan replied, "I'll get back to you on that."

"No-GRAS!" shouted Schmidt.

The executive summary and full report of Healthier Office Air at the DOE is available on request.

— Susan Ohanian



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