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U.S. Department of Education Orders Confiscation of All Teacher Plan Books

There's a reason you will read this nowhere else.

WASHINGTON, D. C.--In an effort to address both the waste and the lack of uniformity exhibited by public school teachers' use of individualized plan books, the U. S. Department of Education announced today a new policy prohibiting all teachers from access to individual plan books, a plan taking effect on January 15, 2010.

"After watching the messy, haphazard use of these planbooks when teachers are entrusted with autonomy, we can see that it is time to exercise a little Federal oversight," said Undersecretary for Planning, Evaluation, and Policy Development Sallie Songster.

"Unlimited access to planbooks is not scientific," Songster continued. "It's unpredictible and unverifiable. To compete in the global economy, we have to be assured that every teacher is following the Common Core Standards in a timely and uniform manner."

Secretary Arne Duncan indicated that money saved from plan book purchase could be diverted to help pay off the National Debt. "With 2,969,759 public school teachers in the country, and plan books priced at $12.99, that's a sizable figure," he said, adding. "We must all do our part as loyal Americans." Arne admitted he hadn't done the exact math on the savings but indicated that President Obama is grateful for every little bit of help.

Representatives from the nation's three largest charter school organizations indicate that they are again ahead of the curve, never having allowed individual teacher plan books. "Each teacher has the script," said an Edison Executive Vice President. "No need for individual plan books. Teachers who sign up with us sign on to our plan."

An NEA spokesperson pointed out that they have "hundreds of lesson plans" on their website. "We eliminated the need for a book! Just come take your pick!"

Asked if NEA had a problem with the confiscation of the plan books, the spokesman replied, "Not as long as we keep our seat at the table!"

The office of the NCTE Executive Director replied that "NCTE has worked in alliance with an array of education groups for many months to build a broad consensus for legislation that supports, rather than hinders, best efforts to serve every learner."

That's their line and they're sticking to it.

Beginning Jan. 15, all states that want to be eligible for the new $786.40 fund offered by the U. S. Department of Education will confiscate all teacher plan books. Governors in 47 states have already signed on for the funds. "We need the money," conceded California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, "but we do this for science. This is testable."

Arne Duncan pointed out that, unlike Race to the Top competition, this initiative is "win-win." Everybody can be a winner: All they have to do is confiscate those teacher plan books.

A spokesman for McGraw-Hill indicated that the publishing firm is working overtime to deliver scripts to match the Common Core Standards. "We have a history of delivering the goods, and we'll to it again--the scripts, the worksheets, and the tests. We offer one-stop uniformity."

According to US Department of Education statute 62,853,967, a teacher refusing to relinquish his/her plan book will report to the local Homeland Security office with two forms of valid picture ID, his/her social security number, Mother's birth certificate, one pint of blood plasma, and an eye tooth.

— Susan Ohanian
The Eggplant



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