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Vice President Klein Closes New Jersey
Clearly, New York City educators know what a Bloomberg presidency would look like.
by NYC Educator
This morning, there was yet another toxic waste cloud emanating from Linden, New Jersey. Vice President Joel Klein declared that heÃ¢ï¿½ï¿½d had enough and announced plans to phase out the entire state. Jersey residents pointed to many areas that were improving, but the Vice President called Jersey an eyesore and an abomination, declaring that it needed to be closed once and for all. Bruce Springsteen wrote a protest song, but President Michael Bloomberg once again pointed out Springsteen was a parent and therefore ineligible to have any input whatsoever in matters of state.
Naturally the measure will have to clear Congress. However, since President Bloomberg reorganized Congress during his third term, it has never voted against any of his proposals. Vice President Klein's new streamlined 8-page Constitution specifically allows the President to select a two-thirds majority of representatives, and to fire any appointed member of Congress who votes against any of his proposals, even before the vote takes place. New York Senator Patrick J. Sullivan spoke up against the measure, giving reasoned arguments that were roundly ignored by all.
"If Sullivan had a clear vision for the future of our country," mused President Bloomberg, "why would he need to wear glasses?"
New JerseyÃ¢ï¿½ï¿½s Governor Spitzer, a former New York resident, did not take the news well. Spitzer maintained there wasnÃ¢ï¿½ï¿½t enough time to improve and that ever since Pennsylvania had closed, many residents no one wanted had come over the border. Some of them, the Governor pointed out, were banjo players. Many upstanding Jersey residents had fled to New York in horror, paying the bridge tolls without protest. "It's expensive to leave New Jersey," observed one motorist, "but it's worth it."
Many residents speculate the influx of banjo players contributed heavily to the "D" grade assigned by the Vice President, but grading policies do not take into account the number of banjo players in any given state. Many Jersey residents griped that things had been going downhill since Pennsylvania was phased out.
Eva Moskowitz, leader of the Scranton Success State (formerly Pennsylvania), admitted it was true her state had fewer banjo players than before the reorganization, but maintained she'd have happily admitted them if theyÃ¢ï¿½ï¿½d won the lottery. "If only they"d repeal the cap on charter states, we wouldn"t have this problem," added Moskowitz. Governor Spitzer contended banjo players were patently incapable of reading the lottery forms, and that they'd never have applied for residence even if they knew how. "It isn't their fault they play banjos. Some people are just like that," maintained Spitzer. . . .
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