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Secret Source Unveils What's Under the LEARN (S2740) Table

Another in the series of faux news items you will read nowhere else.

Disassociated Press

WASHINGTON--A secret source emptying trash cans under the famous table where NCTE, IRA, and the ALA worked on the LEARN (S2740) legislation (currently under consideration in the Senate as S2740) has shared with us preliminary details on the new education plan, tentatively called CompromiseTeaching (Patent Pending). The informant, on intimate terms with everyone at the table, prefers to be known as Deep Vowel. Here are the items of CompromiseTeaching (Patent Pending) regarded as non-negotiable by the Business Roundtable, the U. S. Chamber of Commerce, and the Three Stooges:

  • Under LEARN (S2740), scientifically validated scripts will allow teachers to be all they should be;

  • Under LEARN (S2740) every classroom lesson will be based on scientifically valid researched scripts, so the term "teacher," a relic of old-fashioned concepts, will be abolished, and rules instituted to ensure a scientific practitioner in every classroom;

  • LEARN (S2740) extends to high schoolers the scientifically validated scripts previously available only to primary graders;

  • Under LEARN (S2740), vocabulary of middle schoolers will be explicit;

  • Librarians will be honored with a going-away certificate redeemable at Kaplan, Inc;

  • Hailing LEARN (S2740) as "democracy in action," the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation will provide funds for making sure every scientific classroom practitioner in the land has a stopwatch;

  • A scientific classroom practitioner will be considered "highly qualified" if she sticks to the scientifically validated script;

  • NCTE/IRA/ALA consultant teams will work with McGraw-Hill to write the scientifically validated scripts and assessments;

  • Under LEARN (S2740), scientific classroom practitioners won't have to choose between "strategic, systematic, and explicit instruction" and "student-centered, needs-driven, responsive exploration" because the LEARN (S2740) Act decrees they are the same thing;

  • Ongoing job embedded professional development will keep scientific classroom practitioners on task. Beds to be provided by NCTE/IRA/ALA consultants;

  • States with mottos containing the requisite number of consonants will get extra money;

  • After the Smithsonian Museum cited lack of exhibit space for the famous table at which CompromiseTeaching (Patent Pending) was forged, the Eli and Edythe Broad Foundation contracted with the Kansas Barbed Wire Museum to display the historic object. Librarians displaced by CompromiseTeaching (Patent Pending,) a.k.a. LEARN (S2740), will receive first consideration in the newly created position of Table curator for the museum;

  • Parents can protect their children from scientifically validated scripts if they send their kids to the school the Obama children attend;

  • The AFT and NEA are in agreement that Death with Dignity is always an option.

  • — Disassociated Press
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