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Under Race to the Top, Schools to Institute Full Body Test Score Inserts: Solution to School Annual Progress, Teacher Effectiveness, Student Hyperactivity, Corporate Profits

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NEWSFLASH!

Meeting in emergency session, the NCTE Executive Committee has passed a resolution demanding that the Full Body Test Score Inserts (patent pending) be removed and checked regularly by a licensed literacy provider, and held to strict safety standards.

The AERA annual conference, meeting in Denver, with a general theme of "Understanding Complex Ecologies in a Changing World," will include a poster session from the Hoover Institution on the history of monitoring and testing and the role of body inserts in literature, with an emphasis on UFO abductions.


by Susan Ohanian, special to The Eggplant

WASHINGTON--(The Eggplant) The fight against lackluster performance on international tests is going high tech. Arne Duncan calls it a win/win/win/win solution for education reform. Starting on April 1, in a blockbuster partnership among the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, the Broad Foundation, the McGraw-Hill Companies, Pfizer, Wireless Generation, and Education Week, schools will begin conducting full body chip inserts and scans that will monitor teacher effectiveness and student receptivity.

Linking arms with Bill Gates and Eli Broad, Arne Duncan announced the breakthrough solution, telling reporters, "With this all-purpose insert-and-monitor device the American public will be assured that every classroom in our land is staffed by a highly qualified teacher and filled with students who are ready to learn a rigorous, raise-the-bar, college-ready, internationally-competitive curriculum preparing them to be workers in the 21st century global marketplace."

Duncan pointed out that the key to excellence is to get a real-time, inside look at what's going on in classrooms. "We cannot afford for our classrooms to remain a mystery," said Duncan, pounding the table.

Speaking next, Bill Gates noted, "We will monitor teachers and students as they go about their daily lives in classrooms across America. Instant, constant, and personalized feedback allows curriculum writers and test designers to provide instant, constant, and personalized high-quality curriculum, which ensures the instant, constant, and personalized high-quality education that should be every child's birthright."

Teachers who make remarks not keyed to the mandated curriculum keyed to international goals will receive a mild electrical stimulus. Repeated non-compliance increases the level of the electrical stimulus, which will not exceed Tazer specifications.

Students not responding appropriately to prompts will receive automatic doses of streamlined biotech drug applications delivered by Pfizer whose representatives chose not to comment, saying the procedures are confidential.

Larry Berger, CEO and Founder Wireless Generation, which partners with DIBELS, was not so reticent. "At last we are bringing schools into the 21st century, where we can know real-time if they are doing the job for 21st Century competivity," he said. "Parents will get real-time reports on just how their children are doing."

Harold "Terry" McGraw III, president and chief executive officer of McGraw-Hill Companies, added, "We have the scripts. What was missing was a device for ensuring constant compliance. We found that the coaches approved in previous legislation just weren't up to the task for every minute of the school day."

Education Week editors chose not to comment but indicated they will continue to report the news the corporate alliance wants reported.

Asked if school administrators would also receive the full body chip inserts, Eli Broad, 93rd richest person in the world and founder of the Broad Foundation, noted that graduates of the Broad Superintendents Academy will receive an exemption.

Asked if Teach for America graduates would be subject to the chips, Duncan replied, "Not if they went to Harvard."

Asked about professional association participation, lobbyists for both the National Council of Teachers of English and the International Reading Association expressed pleasure at being invited to the news conference and concurred, "We welcome a seat at this table."

The U. S. Department of Education will conduct a contest on Twitter for naming this still-unnamed innovative high-tech program.

— Susan Ohanian
The Eggplant

2010-01-11


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