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Arne Duncan Catapulted to Higher Office

For Immediate Release
Washington, D.C.
Department of Education

Determined to defuse nagging tensions over his performance and his qualifications for the office he holds, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan brought a dead possum back to life on a busy highway about 8 miles southeast of D.C today. Duncan applied cardiac massage and artificial respiration to the carcass.

Traffic backed up for 2 miles as a mob of onlookers exited their vehicles to applaud Duncan and wish Godspeed to the bewildered former roadkill.

Following the incident, President Obama called a press conference to announce his appointment of Arne Duncan as NBA Commissioner. The President said it may be as late as April 1st before he can find anyone able to fill Duncan's shoes as Ed Secretary.

— Staff
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