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Official Form for Offering Advice to Wannabe CEOs, Mayors in Charge of Schools, or Other Impediments

Dear
Sir
Madam


Many of the staff feel you would be more efficient in the fulfillment of your contractual obligations, helping us tolerate your brazen usurpation of authority, if you would consider rectifying the following areas checked off as in need of improvement.

Your punctuation appears unintentional

Your sentences tend to run into paragraphs

Your practice of omitting a positive remark in favor of 16 negatives is tiresome

You've used up your lifetime allotment of saying "In the corporate world of accountability"

Skip the jokes; nothing about this situation is funny

We will NOT praise you on Twitter; stop asking

Stop chewing with your mouth open

Cut the afternoon announcement of famous quotes from Bill Gates; once in the morning is enough

Your presence is a distraction; have you considered taking up golf after lunch?

Your nose hair situation requires attention

— staff
The Eggplant

2010-09-04


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