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Common Core Standards Curriculum Exemptions


TO: All Our Public School Teacher Friends

FROM: The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and its subsidiary The U. S. Department of Education

NOTE: This message is approved by Randi Weingarten of AFT and Dennis Van Roekel of NEA, as well as the executive directors of NCTE, IRA, ASCD, and the PTA.

RE: Failure to Teach the Common Core Standards Curriculum Exemption Policy

In the interest of full disclosure and to demonstrate that we are not the arrogant, unfeeling, stupid bastards that some malcontents claim, here are the exclusions to the Common Core Standards Curriculum (and the accompanying Gates-Certified Lesson Plans) that apply to all teachers. No Teacher will be exempted from teaching the Common Core for the following reasons:

a) suicide, attempted suicide, or intentionally self-inflicted injury of you, a Teaching Assistant, Student, or Immediate Family Member while sane or insane (while sane in CO and FL);

b) injury while mountain climbing, bungee cord jumping, heli-skiing, extreme skiing or skiing outside marked trails, caving or spelunking, skydiving, parachuting, hang gliding, parasailing, or hot air ballooning;

c) pregnancy and/or multiple births up to and including tredecaplets;

d) your classroom is made uninhabitable by fire, flood, natural disaster, vandalism, or burglary [move to alternate setting];

e) nuclear reaction, radiation or radioactive contamination;

f) acts of terrorism;

g) epidemic and/or pandemic;

h) declared or undeclared war.

The following exclusions DO apply:

a) theft of Gates-certified lesson plans; the theft must be documented by police (official holding the rank of third grade detective or higher) to qualify; a new set of certified lesson plans will arrive by Fed Ex, whereupon resume business as usual;

b) you are called into active military service in Iraq, Afghanistan, or anywhere else the Empire dictates;

c) you are called upon to accompany U. S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan on a Listening Tour.

— Susan Ohanian
The Eggplant



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