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Thousands of Teachers Decapitated at Gates Headquarters

SEATTLE--Members of the Business Roundtable, Achieve, Inc., the Democrats for Education Reform, the National Governors Association, the Council of Chief State School Officers, the New Teacher Project, were among those with premier seats at the first annual Teachers with Seniority Decapitation Gala held at 500 Fifth Avenue North, location of the new campus of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, set to open in 2011.

Melinda Gates kicked off the event, noting that it will be an annual ritual. "We have added Guiding Principle 16 to our pledge for the health of the nation, which depends on tomorrow's workers in the Global Economy," said Gates.

The Gates Foundation principles start with Guiding Principle #1:

This is a family foundation driven by the interests and passions of the Gates family.

Or, as Bill has put it in an unguarded moment, "We do it our way."

Proving that the Foundation gets what it wants, as Melinda Gates spoke, a large screen descended, revealing Guiding Principle #16:

In our commitment to delivering results and helping struggling school boards across America meet their budgetary constraints, we pledge to annually eliminate 20,000 teachers with more than three years experience.

"Older teachers are using up too much of our most valuable resource, money," said Bill Gates, joining his wife on the podium.

Gates Foundation director of education Vicki Phillips assured the audience, "We will keep blood loss to a minimum. Although we are grateful for the presence of the axmen--Education editorial writers for the Wall Street Journal, the New York Times, the Washington Post, columnists from Newsweek--today this title is only honorary. In accordance with the Gates Foundation allegiance to research-based science and technology, we will employ scientific precision."

Deputy director of education Dr. John E. Deasy added, "This action follows Gates Foundation Guiding Principle #6: We identify a specific point of intervention and apply our efforts against a theory of change. This nation can't afford to waste time fighting teacher unions about rewarding teachers for service past three years. So the Gates Foundation has stepped forward with this specific point of intervention."

Melinda Gates called for a round of applause, "for the three years of good service" of the 20,000 teachers in the arena. "They did what they were capable of doing--gave three years to the nation's youth. Now it's time for a transition."

A screen descended. A whoosh! filled the air. After 15 seconds, the screen lifted. 20,000 headless torsos filled the space.

Fireworks exploded.

A joyful noise filled the hall as Kati Haycock, Wendy Kopp, Eleanor Clift, Thomas Friedman, Arne Duncan, and Jonathan Alter took to the stage and danced the Can-can.

— Susan Ohanian
The Eggplant



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