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New Lanes to Effective Delivery of School Reform

Item: Bill and Melinda Gates Effective Teachers Grant #62,863

Purpose: To enable schools to free corridors of students and to implement groundbreaking 21st century, Global Economy, beat-the-socks-off Shanghai school reform. Cleared of all student traffic, school hallways can now be sliced into six lanes to guarantee effective teaching.

Six Reform Lanes to Train Workers for the Global Economy

A -- Teacher Quality Inspectorate Lane:
To be used by peripatetic out-of-work Reading First Consultants recertified to patrol school corridors and nab teachers who deviate from the Common Core Best Practices delivery.

B--Instant Feedback Lane: Reserved for prompt and universal issuance of standardized tests to assess status of Common Core Content delivery every 12 minutes.

C--Broad Superintendents Academy Graduates Student Access Lane:* Offers Broad graduates direct and easy access to children. As many as three superintendents per decade are expected to exploit this lane.

D--Crisis Lane: Reserved for Teacher Removal Squad to transport ineffective teachers out of their classrooms. Approved Equipment (after intravenous administration of Thorazine, Haldol, Clozaril and/or Risperdal):

  • Emergency rescue basket stretcher with 5 straps and lifting harness set

  • Wheelbarrows with dual pneumatic air filled tires

  • NOT Recommended: classic red Radio Flyer wagon

  • E--Segway Lane: frees up school hallway space for swift sharing of Bill & Melinda's New Reform Ideas, Thomas Friedman's Op Eds, and Oprah reruns.

    F--Turtle Lane: Formerly Teacher Union Resistance Lane. Currently inoperable; in need of major overhaul. Probable reconstruction as a direct line to a seat at Rep. George Miller's table.

    * Broad Superintendents Academy Graduates Student Access Lane becomes Refuse Removal Lane from 11 p.m. to 1 a.m.; Dog-Walking Lane from 1 a.m. to 5 a.m.

    — Susan Ohanian
    The Eggplant



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