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Rigor Regulatorâ„¢

Washington, D. C.

President Barack Obama welcomed Bill and Melinda Gates to a special ceremony in the White House Rose Garden to celebrate the launch of the Windows School Operating System, Rigor Regulator™. Rigor Regulator ™ offers school CEOs all they need to manage teachers, track students, automate curricula, make learning transparent, and cure plantar warts.

Combining a comprehensive set of assessment tools with an easy-to-use interface, Rigor Regulator™ capitalizes on cookies' ability to track how classroom lavatory habits relate to adherence to Common Core Standards and standardized test scores accompanying those standards. Over time, the Regulator™ can also inform teachers of the seven indicators that tie students test scores to Lucky Charms ingestion.

By providing new ways to organize files, Microsoft Rigor Regulator™ helps members of the Business Roundtable, the U. S. Chamber of Commerce, the U. S. Congress, and Thomas Friedman point the finger of blame at teachers more quickly.

Chiang Siang Wu, holder of the Moo Shu chair at the Thomas B. Fordham Institute, author of the "Calculus of Variations of the Bifurcation Theory of Rigor," applauded the breakthrough, "These skills will aid us in product fulfillment when Microsoft outsources more jobs."

"Here's further evidence that the world is flat," said Pulitzer Prize winning corporate suck-up at the New York Times Thomas Friedman.

Asked to describe the product, Melinda Gates intoned, "Data, data, data."

"No," Bill corrected, "Software, software, software."

Asked to comment, U. S. Department of Education Secretary Arne Duncan said, "I echo Bill."

— Susan Ohanian
The Eggplant



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