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Arne Undecided About What Stupid Thing to Say Next: Bill Gates and Researchers at Fordham Advise Long Period of Silence

Washington, D. C. -- With the public's enthusiasm for the Royal Wedding and then for the killing of Osama bin Laden, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan was surprised when his Open Letter to Teachers did not receive similar applause.

Sources at the US Department of Education would neither confirm nor deny that the Undersecretary who wrote the Secretary's teacher appreciation remarks has been put on extended leave but said a press release on accountability is forthcoming.

Insiders report that the Secretary went into the seclusion after the 32,462nd angry response to his Open Letter appeared on Twitter.

No one is predicting how long Duncan will keep his mouth shut, but sources close to the 46th Undersecretary in Charge of Chewing Gum Research, report she has been huddled with Duncan's Twitter advisors for 18 hours straight, trying to come up with the next stupid thing for Duncan to say.

Jonathan Alter of Newsweek expressed disgust that teachers would be so rude to Secretary Duncan. "People who aren't Ivy League, who didn't graduate in the top 2% of their class, have no business answering Secretary Duncan's letter. They should appreciate the fact that Secretary Duncan is reaching out a helping hand--the one that received a Harvard degree--and he's trying to raise the level of teaching out of the stranglehold of unions."

Oprah expressed similar support. "Some of Arne Duncan's best friends are teachers.

Michael Petrilli, of the Thomas B. Fordham Institute and favored media go-to guy when Chester Finn is out of town, said "No comment" when asked to confirm that Fordham has received $750,000 emergency funding from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation to keep Arne quiet for 167 hours.

— Susan Ohanian



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