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Secretary Duncan Addresses Punctuation Problem

Washington D. C.--Holding up a suicide note from a 15-year-old Des Moines sophomore, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan noted that this teen was "crying out for help in punctuation and spelling."

In a press conference called on the steps of the Iowa State Capitol, the only five-domed capitol in the country, Duncan explained, "I look at this note and know why the Common Core Curriculum Standards and Testing must be our number one priority. Imagine the shock of parents to find such a note with misplaced modifiers, split infinitives, and even lack of agreement between subject and verb."

Duncan announced that as part of the U. S. Department of Education's $4.35 billion Race to the Top stimulus fund, every teenager in America will receive The Chicago Manual of Style (16th edition). "We're doing our part to be sure that every teen in America is carer and college ready" for the rigors of full participation in the Global Economy of the 21st Century.

— Staff
The Eggplant



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