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Bill Gates: We Need Genetically Modified Teachers
Washington-- Joining a panel of education reformers, Microsoft founder and billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates accepted a 22.5-pound crown encrusted with 16.4 trillion microchips-- presented by the National Governors Association Center for Best Practices Corporate Partner, Will Ethridge, Chief executive, Pearson, North American Education--in appreciation of Gates' leadership role in developing the Common Core State Standards.
Nodding to the standing applause, Gates circled the room twice wearing the crown. Upon returning to the dais, he removed the crown and began his prepared remarks. Gates said, "We've won that battle. Now we must move on. We need a new digital revolution to meet the critical needs of the nation's students."
Gates put some muscle behind his words by announcing a $2.5 billion in matching grants from his foundation to partner with the U. S. Department of Education to finance research on producing a new type of teacher. "Genetically modified teachers will put the US back on track as #1 in producing college-reading students who will be tomorrow's competitive workers in the global economy." Gates displayed a chart showing that "genetically-altered teachers will enable schools to double and in some cases even triple their yields of college-ready students in the next 20 years."
The billionaire philanthropist observed that the nation can't stand still while waiting for the genetically modified teachers to be in place. "As an interim measure, we need a step-up in drone surveillance of teachers. Failure to take full advantage of satellite technology developed by the Department of Defense is indefensible," charged Gates. "Taxpayers have funded this research. Let's use it. "Satellites can monitor the present situation, ensuring that teachers implement Charlotte Danielson's rubric framework, until we get the genetically-engineered teachers in place."
Sitting at the dais with Gates, Secretary of Education Arne Duncan, New York Times Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Thomas Friedman, and NCTE Executive Director Kent Williamson.
Secretary Duncan noted that his department will be insisting on more accountability from states receiving aid. "We'll ask for strict 'report cards' on teachers. We want to see a change in behavior." Duncan added that this is part of the Department's ongoing initiative to "help teachers rebuild their profession and to elevate the teacher voice in federal, state and local education policy."
Thomas Friedman jumped in, "It is entirely probable that I have eaten McDonald's fries and burgers in more countries in the world than anyone, and I can testify that they really all do taste the same. A profound insight struck me somewhere between the quarter-pounder in Tienanmen Square in Beijing, the McDonald's in Tahrir Square in Cairo, the McDonald's on Guru Hargovindji Road in Mumbai, and the McDonald's off Zion Square in Jerusalem. This international symbol of globalization and economic integration is a useful reference point for our need to do things differently."
Friedman continued, "As a cab driver in Mumbai told me, 'If you care about the poorest students, you care about the quality of teachers.' Anyone who is at the epicenter of national security knows that President Obama got this one exactly right when he said that whoever 'out-educates us today is going to out-compete us tomorrow.' The bad news is that for years now we've been getting out-educated. We face a crisis that only genetically modified teachers can cure."
When asked about NCTE's position on the issue, NCTE Director Williamson said, "We're glad to have a seat at this important table. Without this seat, NCTE would have no voice."
As Bill Gates walked off the stage, members of the Chicago Board of Education, led by Mayor Rahm Emanuel appointee Penny Pritzker, played the "Triumphal March" from Aida on their kazoos. Duncan, Friedman, and Williamson carried Gates' ermine train.
World-renown literacy expert Stephen Krashen immediately challenged the reformers' assertions on Twitter.
The McDonald's on Guru Hargovindji Road in Mumbai does not serve quarter-pounders--or any beef products.
Even the U. S. DOE's own studies show that genetically modified teachers have failed to increase NAEP results. . . or reduce poverty.
NCTE Executive Director Kent Williamson's chair at the table has three broken legs.
— Susan Ohanian
2012-02-24
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