in the collection
The E*x*c*e*l*l*e*n*t Teacher © ™ ® ℠ $ $ Vetting Process
Take Note: The Eggplant is third cousin twice removed to The Onion.
Attention Public School Teachers: In a crisis-ready response to the poignant and desperate national cry for excellent teachers, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation convened the E*x*c*e*l*l*e*n*t Teacher ©™ ®℠$$ Taskforce at the Aspen Institute. US Secretary of Education Arne Duncan took notes; AFT President Randi Weingarten and NEA President Dennis Van Roekel served Kool-Aid. The New York Times editorial board made popcorn.Pearson reps offered travel vouchers.
The following questionnaire prepared by the Taskforce is available, free of charge, to all US citizens who wish to achieve E*x*c*e*l*l*e*n*t Teacher ©™®℠$$ status.
$$ status. This is good in all 50 states plus Puerto Rico, Guam, Virgin Islands, Northern Mariana Islands, American Samoa, and Saudi Arabia. If Baker Island, Howland Island, Jarvis Island, Johnston Atoll, Kingman Reef, Midway Atoll, Navassa Island, Palmyra Atoll, and Wake Island ever become inhabited, E*x*c*e*l*l*e*n*t ©™®℠$$ Teacher status will be valid there.
E*x*c*e*l*l*e*n*t Teacher ©™®℠$$ status expires after 17-hours, 12 minutes, at which times the awardee can reapply. The industrious E*x*c*e*l*l*e*n*t Teacher ©™ ®℠$$ Taskforce has a bank of questions that extends through 2038.
To be eligible for Race to the Top Round 4 grants, a school must employ only E*x*c*e*l*l*e*n*t Teacher ©™®℠$$ badge holders.
E*x*c*e*l*l*e*n*t Teacher ©™®℠$$Questionnaire
Please choose the best answer to each of the following questions.
1. As a teacher, I think the word or phrase that best describes me is:
A) Very Excellent
B) Excellent
C) Excellent when the need arises
D) Other
2. I deserve to achieve E*x*c*e*l*l*e*n*t Teacher ©™®℠$$ status because I believe in:
A) Raising the bar
B) The American Way
C) Gobalization for all
D) Clear, honest, bold data
3. For me, Caring about Education means. . .
A) implementing the Common Core
B) producing a 21st Century workforce
C) instituting best practices
D) guaranteeing student achievement through data-driven decision making
4. I will ensure my Excellence by:
A) Utilizing exploding information technologies
B) Embracing my role as knowledge systems integrator in the knowledge supply chain
C) Making rigor my religion
D) Being on-call 24/7
5. I consider Common Core:
A) A teacher's means of achieving existential triumph over mediocrity
B) A teacher's means of destroying the ever-present existential threat to excellence
C) An existential means to challenge Finland's supremacy on international tests
D) An existential money-maker
6. If I were given a lethal automatic weapon, I would:
A) Feel confident because I can teach and chew gum at the same time
B) Follow national professional standards for its use
C) Keep it loaded at all times
D) Only kill students trying to sneak under the bar
Thank you for completing the E*x*c*e*l*l*e*n*t Teacher ©™®℠
$$ Application Form.
Your application will be processed within the next 14 minutes. Please indicate a current mailing address where you would like your automatic weapon to be sent.
— Susan Ohanian
The Eggplant
2014-06-27
INDEX OF THE EGGPLANT
