in the collection
E*X*C*E*L*L*E*N*T Teacher Maze F.A.Q.
How does one qualify to enter into the E*X*C*E*L*L*E*N*T Teacher Maze?
Certification by Teach for America is a sure bet but other routes are available, depending on individual contributions in the following categories:
Employment experience at McKenzie and Company trusted advisor and counselor to many of the world's most influential businesses and institutions; internship at the Eli and Edythe Broad Foundation; lifetime membership in Democrats for Education Reform;
X-tra Effort: Post 473 Common Core lessons on AFT Share My Lesson website;
Signal 2,500 likes" of Arne Duncan's Twitter posts;
Compliant: Follow the rules. Your role is not to reason why.
Endurance-tested: Membership on championship roller derby team;
Liturgical: Never step outside the box or color outside the Common Core lines;
Loyal: Support anything getting Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation money;
Energetic: On-call for the Common Core 24/7;
Number Freak: Don't do anything that isn't data-driven;
Technophile: Computer driven instruction all the way every day.
What's the average time it takes to exit the maze?
It varies. Two years is optimum stay before consulting jobs or law school acceptance shows the way out.But some people want to stay forever. Sally Standards, who legally changed her name from Sarwinsky, entered the day of Arne Duncan's appointment and says she'll never leave.
Where do all those kids in the maze come from?
Children's origins are of no concern of E*X*C*L*L*E*N*T teachers. Your job is to apply the same high standards to all students.
Is there a library inside the maze?
Cut the humor. Maze candidates must be serious-of-purpose. Surely you know libraries are outdated. Books are not needed. Every participant striving for the E*X*C*E*L*L*E*N*T goal will have access to Amplify,the independent subsidiary of News Corporation that is reimagining information. . . all the information you will ever need.
Are weapons allowed in the maze?
It would be unconstitutional to forbid anyone the right to bear arms.
Can I bring outside food and beverages into the maze?
Aramark provides. E*X*C*E*L*L*E*N*T teachers know that what's good enough for Chicago Public Schools is certainly adequate for teachers. Extra food is not needed, and what isn't needed is forbidden.
What if I become ill in the maze--or get shot?
The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation has built the Teacher Memorial Garden in the northwest corner of the maze.
If I make it through the maze, then what?
Then you will receive a Poly(methyl methacrylate) (PMMA)-covered plaque naming you
E*X*C*E*L*L*E*N*T Teacher.
This disintegrates after 216 days, the optimum time period of E*X*C*E*L*L*E*N*C*E in Global Marketplace classrooms.
— Susan Ohanian
The Eggplant
2014-09-25
INDEX OF THE EGGPLANT
