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Texas Wants to Profit from Dead Teachers
You're a retired teacher who has spent most of your life in one of the most noble of professions. You were underappreciated and underpaid, but you'd do it again because of the lives you've touched.
Would you like to do one more selfless act that will benefit others? Well, why don't you just die?
Sure, you gave your all to students in the classroom for 30, 40 and 50 years, but are you willing to truly give it your all by dying for other teachers?
Come on now, be a good sport and die because the state of Texas wants to make a killing off of your death.
The Dallas Morning News has reported that, with Gov. Rick Perry's backing, former U.S. Sen. Phil Gramm is floating a plan in which the state will buy life insurance policies on thousands of retired teachers and use the death benefits to fund the Teacher Retirement System of Texas, which provides pensions and health insurance policies for retired teachers.
The difference between this proposal and "dead peasant" insurance deals in which corporations take out insurance on unsuspecting employees is that the retired teachers must give their consent. But the principle, and principal, is the same: make death profitable.
By merry coincidence, Gramm is now a vice president with a New York investment firm, UBS Investment Bank, which just might be persuaded to also profit from the deal.
Enthusiastic support for the plan is pouring in.
Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Werewolf issued a joint statement, which read, "This is the most ghoulish thing we've heard of in decades. We love it!"
Jack Kevorkian has said that the plan is a great idea and offered his services for free, but he did have one question. "Why do we have to wait until the teachers retire before they die?"
The ghost of Edgar Allan Poe said, "How utterly morbid! I wish I'd thought of that."
The ghost of 19th century Russian writer Nikolai Gogol responded, "I did."
Gogol's great novel, "Dead Souls," is about a con man who travels across Russia buying up the rights of dead serfs whose names remain on the government census. The more serfs owned, including the dead ones, meant that much more money the owner could borrow from banks.
Since the Gramm plan is legal, there's no need to quibble about minor details such as ethics, impropriety or taste.
With the Teacher Retirement System suffering from a $700 million dollar funding gap, it's important that this plan be adopted immediately and for retired teachers to begin dying in record numbers. In fact, the need for funds is so great that some teachers may be asked to take early retirement with the hope that they'll die early.
One of the admirable things about this program is that it's bipartisan. It doesn't care if you're a Democratic retired teacher or a Republican retired teacher. All that matters is that you die — with the state of Texas as a beneficiary.
So all of you wonderful teachers to who we owe so much, when you're feeling low and uncertain about the value of your life, perk yourself up with the knowledge that in death you're be worth thousands of dollars to your beloved state and investment banks.
When you are Christmas shopping next year, consider giving to Texas the gift that keeps on giving, your deaths.
— Cary Clack
Texas could turn a profit by insuring Dead Teachers Society
San Antionio Express-News
2003-12-10
http://news.mysanantonio.com/story.cfm?xla=saen&xlb=180&xlc=1096750
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